In the early 80′s, I tried to join the Air Force. It was a complete failure. It was an act of desperation, because I had been out of school for years and still had not found a real job or career. The pressure of having to make money, wanting to get out of my parents’ house, and just not knowing what to do, made me sign up for the military.

The military is no place for a pacifist, especially one with severe social anxiety. I knew I had mental problems, too, but the extent to which they ran in our family was not yet known, so I felt very alone with what was going on in my head. I lasted at boot camp for five weeks, then all of the pressure of trying to fit into a place I did not belong or want to be caught up with me.

I went AWOL. I ran away. Initially, I intented to kill myself, but realized I did not want to do that, so I called home and told them what I had done.

Two days later, I ended up back at the Air Force Base in the dorm’s common area waiting for the next morning to come, so that I could be transported to the hospital’s mental ward. MTV was playing on the television, and this song came on: “Drive,” by The Cars. Listening to the song, and watching the video, I felt just like the woman in the film: mentally unfit, alone, tortured.

Today, I’m in a much better place. It’s taken a long time, but I know where I want to go with my life (something I’ve only recently figured out), even if it’s taking me forever to get there. While I still (and probably will always) have mental issues (isn’t genetics and upbringing wonderful?), I can handle them now. Yet, every time I hear this song, it brings back those memories of that time. It makes me sad, knowing that I wasted so much of my life trying to fit in and do what was expected of me.

There is another song that is associated with that time. It was a favorite of mine, and I heard it the night I called my family. I was in a strange city in a hotel room, wondering what would happen to me, when “Have You Ever Been Mellow” by Olivia Newton John came on the radio.

I worried for years that a song I loved would be associated with those memories and make me sad when I heard it. But time has passed and I’ve been able to separate the pain from the joy I experience when I hear the song. In a way, the song has helped me deal with my mental problems.

I’m not sure I want to do the same thing with “Drive.” There is something in remembering our bad times as well as our good. I’m not really sure I could explain it, but it’s similar to the blues, and how they comfort us.

Crazy! Huh?